Why The Path To Self Love Is An Inside Job

A guest blog by Gwen Tilley

“I have lived in Ohio most of my life, except for a short stint as a military wife. On the eve of my 20th wedding anniversary, my marriage ended with no warning. My divorce brought me to a point of reflection, and confronting self-truths. Early childhood abandonment, and sexual abuse, left me with deep emotional baggage. This is where my journey to self-love began. My life passion now is to help other women do the same for themselves.”

When we are a broken person, we make the mistake that someone else can fix us. So when we hear someone say “I love you”, we believe that they are going to be that person. Because after all, doesn’t love fix all of our problems?ar someone say “I love you”, we believe that they are going to be that person. Because after all, doesn’t love fix all of our problems?

So we take this person who loves us, and we place expectations on them that they are going to take away all of our fears; our insecurities; our loneliness; and replace it all with complete happiness. Isn’t that the job of love? So when they fail to make us feel the happiness we expected, or to feel safe, or worthy of love in our loneliness, we realise that they aren’t fixing us.

Instead the relationship is fueling the demons that we are battling internally because our partners are not meeting our unobtainable expectations in giving their love to us. Our insecurities, our negative self-talk, grows instead of diminishing. We feel more unloved than we did before. This is because we don’t recognise that nobody else can fix what is broken in us except for ourselves. Only we, ourselves, can fix what is broken and missing. It is truly an inside job.

When we do this, when we learn to face our own demons and make ourselves do the work it takes to fall in love with ourselves, then we can recognise the kind of love we deserve from our partners. We will recognise what healthy love looks like vs a toxic love. We will look for the person who enhances us as a person, and who will help us grow deeper into who we already are as an individual. We will no longer look for someone else to make us a better person; a happy person; a fulfilled person; a lovable person, because we are doing all of that for ourselves.

This state of being also allows us to give someone else the greatest version of ourselves. Because when you truly love yourself, you can give healthy love back to another person. So when two people are complete as separate beings, the union is full of respect, trust, and a love that enhances who they are individually, without expectations being placed on each other that can’t be met, or that will set your relationship on the path of failure. Fall in love with yourself, and you’ll find a love that is a mirror of your own heart.

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