This 30-minute talk between Suzi Godson and Matt Rudd for The Times was full of useful tips and advice for sex and relationships, which can get extra complicated in midlife especially during lockdown. So grab a cup of tea and read our highlights.
Boredom is a bit of a theme in lockdown. How do you seek new experiences when you can’t go out? How can you spice up lockdown sex? If you’re stuck in your home together, with each other all the time and stuck in a routine, finding the motivation to have sex can be a real problem. It’s hard to separate the emotional and sexual connection.
The only way to get through it is to break through the tension you have with your partner – make up when you argue, lie in bed in the morning and touch, start the day with passion and change the dynamics of the relationship.
Try and avoid some on the behaviours that may hold you back:
- You need to renegotiate roles. Usually one person demands and the other retracts more. Be honest about the relationship dynamics. If you’re fighting over who loads the dishwasher, that’s enough to inhibit sex.
- Unresolved conflict is a problem – find ways to through and both accept what both parties feel about an issue. Sit down to talk about each person needs and feels and trust each other enough to be honest.
- Are you motivated to change? Do you want to sort things out of are you stuck on the moral high ground? Own your own issues and your own role in making up.
- Learn how to feel more sensual. It does not have to be sex it is about intimacy – skin on skin, massage, touching– it reduces stress and releases endorphins.
- Be realistic about how often you have sex. People sometimes think you should have it 3 times a week, the reality is 3 times a month.
- Anxiety it the enemy of arousal. If your mind is pre-occupied it stops sexual pleasure. Give yourselves a break, take time for yourself, practice self care, and don’t spend time doom scrolling.
- Importance of communication first. Communication is the most important thing about sex. You need to talk about what you are feeling, what you want any any issues you have.
- Intimate Time. Spend intimate time together or make time for self-intimacy.
- Be happy with yourself. If you don’t love yourself you can’t be your best self in the relationship.
And finally, do not have too high expectation. Communicate, be kind to yourself and your partner and accept that it may take some time and some work.
We hope these tips help! Want to know more? Read our resident sex therapists’s top tips for midlife sex.